Mentalist Tries to Trick Trump at WHCD

In a bold move that critics are calling 'either genius or the final collapse of democratic norms,' the White House Correspondents' Dinner announced mentalist Oz Pearlman as its headliner. Pearlman, a man whose profession involves revealing that he correctly predicted your chosen playing card despite ample opportunities for pre-show collusion, expressed optimism that his 'unifying' act would 'delight and puzzle' the notoriously un-puzzle-able Donald Trump. Sources close to the former President indicate that his primary concern regarding the evening's entertainment was whether the mentalist could correctly divine how many Diet Cokes he'd be consuming over an 18-hour period. Pearlman's performance is rumored to include a segment where he will attempt to make several journalists 'disappear,' a feat that has yet to be confirmed as metaphor or literal aspiration. WHCD organizers stated the decision was made after 'extensive polling showed a marked decline in positive public sentiment towards anyone who even *attempts* to tell a joke in this current political climate,' confirming what many have long suspected: America is officially too exhausted for nuanced humor. The mentalist's inability to reveal the specifics of his performance, ostensibly due to professional secrecy, has fueled speculation that his entire act consists of him sheepishly admitting, 'I thought Trump would be here for the other guys,' before quickly being escorted off stage.